My secret lover
I have been seeing this man. It is not a recent thing. It started about three years ago out of curiosity.Ever since the first day we met, the two of us combined have been in a whirlwind of emotions, which ranged from utter adoration until extreme outrage from my side. After the first couple of times I swore we would never meet again. The love at first sight had quickly turned into loathing and I could not bear to be around him anymore. I had other loves, more steady, calm,sustainable ones, yet somehow he was always there, at the back at my mind. There were months in which I would not think about him at all, and then there would be the times that I suddenly would see him everywhere, in the streets, in different towns, popping up on my Facebook newsfeed. I do not know what it is about him that makes me crave him so much. Crave him so much indeed that when I see him again I lose myself in our interaction, causing me to snap right back out of that emotion after some time, because it is simply an overkill. I guess I just love the way he makes me work, makes me sweat,pushes me to my utter limits and when I feel I cannot go any further he still makes me go on. I love that about him. There is no one that can break me down that way, getting me to feel how strong my body truly is. There is also a soft side to him, that gives me the rest I need, makes me feel like I can totally surrender to him, simply because I do not have another choice. I love the fact that I do not have to think around him, I do not have to work through mental stuff, I do not have to achieve anything. I cannot try to impress anyone, I can hardly keep up with his pace as it is.
After more than two years apart I could not bear it anymore. I just had to have him back in my life. So we met up again, new city, new chances. The minute I saw him again I knew I had made the right choice. Within those first 90 minutes I saw a whole different side of him. He had changed, changed for the better. He had become less militant, softer, but soft in a way that showed off his strength even more, and he was warm. It was his warmth that I always missed whenever I saw my other lover. There are some that also warm me up, from the inside, but with him I feel so save, surrounded by his room-filling warmth.
I love having him back in my life, yet I am not the monogamous type. I still see all my other loves, in different frequencies. Of course, I do keep favourites, but they change as quickly as my moods. The difference between him and the others is, that, with a few exceptions, they come and go, in and out of my life, while somehow I always come back to him, think about him when we are not seeing each other. I still struggle, to see him as much as to not see him. I love to hate him and I hate to love him. He touches something inside of me that no one ever touched before. He wears me out, but in a way that keeps me coming back and back again.
We will never be steady lovers. I know I could gain so much by becoming just that, but I also know that I could never do it. I could never give him my all, simply because I know that after a while it would not work out. I could try, but we would get lost in our hot and sweaty affair, causing me to get fed up with him and see him walking out of my life, for good this time. I just could not bear that thought. Despite our rollercoaster love, or maybe just because of it, I cannot really live without him. He knows. He is always there, waiting for me until I make my way back to him, which I eventually always do. I will be at the studio soon Mr Bikram, coming back for more,like I always do.